Nudging the system of control
Have you ever considered that your actions are not your own?
A lesson I learn repeatedly is that I let others control me. To be more specific, I let others control my actions:
Proving things to them - I seek their validation and approval
Showing them I am worthy - I don’t want them to think I’m a fraud
Hiding my feelings from them - They’d be unforgiving if I make a mistake or show weakness
Pleasing them so they are happy - Making them happy means they will love and accept me.
This dynamic permeated much of my music training and professional experiences. My relationships with my teachers and bosses were cultivated in this way:
Proving my skills were my primary motivations in festival and job applications. Showing my worth (sometimes to them) was the key to getting someone influential to endorse me. In a job, pleasing the authority was typical in order to be accepted, to advance, or even to just keep the peace. And never should I make a mistake or not know something because flawed conductors don’t deserve to be on the podium.
I became a puppet. My actions were controlled by others, what I thought I needed to do for them.
The really sad thing is that I believed my actions were 100% my own. So I started hating myself, taking responsibility for those actions. I felt like a bad person for sucking up to others, for not being flawless (and therefore undeserving), and for not being worthy (because I was always in the process of proving it!).
Actually - I felt bad because I was engaging in actions that were contrary to my values, that disrespected my inherent worth, that abandoned my beliefs, that put the deciding power solely on others. So it helped me to see it through the lens of letting others control me. And to see the true impetus behind the proving, showing, hiding, and pleasing.
In relationship theory, these behaviors are tell-tale signs of an anxiously attached person, who chases because they fear being abandoned. I can work on that personally.
On a larger scale, this tells us that there is something wrong with the system, as it promotes this dynamic. Our system’s hierarchical structures encourage clear power dynamics. The competitive pressure to achieve and perform perpetuates approval seeking. And a lack of emphasis on emotional intelligence in leadership prevents our ability to clearly see the problem.
As leaders, we can improve the system. We can reflect on how we may be encouraging someone to prove their worth to us, how we may be discouraging vulnerability to our detriment, and how we may be basking in the positive feelings of our people pleasing us.
And we can start doing the opposite:
Remind someone of their worth frequently, not only when they’ve accomplished something big.
Make it safe to make mistakes by normalizing errors and modeling vulnerability.
Notice people-pleasing and gently discourage it, reminding them that their input is valuable even when they may disagree.
This dynamic favors the leader and the side of authority, so it is almost impossible to see. Yet, we must try.
What are you able to see now? Do you let others control you? Are you in a position to nudge the system?
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