Where confidence comes from
I don't know about you, but my confidence level fluctuates drastically. Confidence has always been my biggest problem. Everyone telling me "You just need to be more confident!" just never worked for me. Actually, my inability to feel more confident with the supportive words of others made me feel worse.
Why is it so hard? I would honestly trade this shortcoming for any other deficiency. I would rather hear, "You need to improve your cues as a conductor" or "You need to explain yourself more clearly." I can fix those.
By contrast, confidence is this elusive thing. You either have it or you don't. You'd know. You'd feel it. But you can't really measure it.
For years, I've been on a scavenger hunt for mindset tricks and perspectives that could help me. I recently came across two ideas about confidence worth sharing:
1) Confidence is based on what you now perceive that you didn't before. (from Thema Bryant's Homecoming)
It seems so obvious, but I've never thought about it like this. In my journey, I have gained so much perspective and new ways of thinking. I know that these changes made me a better person. I may not feel super confident because I'm not completely comfortable with what's new in me. That makes sense. So it helps to remind myself that I perceive things now that I didn't and couldn't before. Can I find examples where my mindset has changed? Do I notice I'm seeing things I didn't see before? Am I behaving better because of new thinking? If so, it's solid proof I am improving and a powerful source of confidence.
2) Confidence is in your intentions, not what you achieve or in your capability. (from Ed Mylett in this interview)
Most of the time, the only thing I can control is my intentions. I can't control the outcome of a performance or the reactions to my actions. Yet, it's so easy to think I can't feel confident until I've achieved something successfully, acquired mastery of a skill, or made a decision that worked in my favor. I've attached confidence to only a positive outcome. What if I can choose to focus on the validity and integrity of my intentions, which I can control. Can I say I've done my best to prepare for and ensure the best outcomes? Can I say my intentions are genuinely for the good of the project and people? If yes, then this is a source of confidence that can't be tainted by whatever happens that's out of my hands.
It's fascinating that both these ideas reject proof in the form of concrete results or achievements - what we're socialized to believe. And both agree that we can attach our confidence onto something else tangible - like what we now perceive that we didn't before, or our intentions. Unlike results, we have full control over these two things. And that's an incredible shift.
If you consider yourself a leader, I imagine you probably suffer from fluctuating confidence. It may not be as bad as it is for me, but I'm sure you have it. It's part of being human. I hope you find this helpful.
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