The two soloists
I spent seven years as a conductor at Boston University - first as a doctoral student and then faculty. At one point, I was the conductor of the second orchestra there. One late summer, I was brainstorming some repertoire options with the main conductor of the orchestras (and my mentor). He thought it would be a good idea that I program these two newer concertos. He suggested that I reach out to two specific faculty members to be the soloists. After looking at the pieces, I took his advice.
I sent pretty much the same message of invitation to both potential faculty soloists - emphasizing how I'd be excited to collaborate with them and how much the students would benefit from performing alongside them.
I got two very different responses back.
One responded briefly with, "This is so exciting. Count me in!"
The other responded with a question, "Have you talked to David (my mentor) about this?"
Of course, the second soloist didn't know that David actually suggested the piece and recommended her as the soloist I should contact.
A million thoughts went through my head after reading that second reply: What did she mean by that? Did she think I was doing this secretly? And even if it was all my original idea, was that not OK? Why wouldn't it be OK? Oh, maybe because I am not senior enough (in the hierarchy) to make my own decisions. That means she probably doesn't want to work with me. Or maybe she's saying she'll only do it only if David says so. Well, that still means she doesn't want to work with me. OK, so was I supposed to have gotten a green light from David? But, wait…it WAS David's idea! What am I even thinking?? And - how should I respond? Did I offend her? Should I start with an apology??
***
I ended up performing the two concertos with both soloists. And they could not have been more different experiences.
With the second soloist, the initial lack of trust unfortunately did not improve through the process. For me, it was an experience filled with fear that crippled my own performance as a conductor and a leader. (It's funny to even say that because it's a comment usually people say about conductors!) I felt like I was walking on eggshells in every interaction we had in private or public rehearsals. I was always thinking, "Is what I'm saying/doing right?" and "She doesn't really believe I belong here with her in the room." I second-guessed myself constantly. My rehearsal effectiveness was compromised when she challenged me in front of the orchestra. At this point, it doesn't really matter if she was right or wrong about that challenge, but it was the tense psychological environment that was created that still sends chills down my spine. Honestly, the piece wasn't that difficult to conduct, but I felt like I was doing such a poor job. And her only parting words for me at the end of the concert were, "It was a good learning experience for you."
It's been almost 10 years and I hate to admit that this memory still gets in my way sometimes.
Compare that with my experience with the first soloist: It was a complex piece within a long program. Yet, my comfort in her presence and the trust I felt she had in me led me to do better than I thought I could with those challenges. I felt like I could do my job in rehearsal and focus only on that. I wasn't distracted. I was able to say what was on my mind in rehearsals without fear of it being wrong. So I worked efficiently. I felt like I had value to contribute, rather than feeling censored for defects. When there was something questionable, she worked through those moments with me and supported me fully in the process of discovery - even in front of the orchestra. The collaboration grew deeper and more comfortable each day. She made me feel like I could do it. So I did it, and I did it well.
The two concerts happened within the same semester so to experience them side by side was jarring and thought-provoking. I've been thinking about it ever since it happened.
***
My story of these two soloists is not unique to me. We all have been in environments where we find flow and confidence through trust, versus situations where we doubt our abilities leading to actual sub-par performance because of fear and feeling unsafe. Either way, we don't always recognize it's happening to us (I certainly didn't) or that we're causing it (I can reflect more on this always).
What I'm learning is that anybody can have that influence of trust and safety on us, allowing us and our work to thrive. And they don't only appear at the top of a hierarchy, like a conductor. They are everywhere. They are in every colleague you choose to work with, every friend and every subordinate you have, as well as every boss and leader who takes care of you.
And - we can always strive to be that person for someone else.
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