Appreciation as feedback
"Receiving feedback sits at the intersection of these two needs--our drive to learn and our longing for acceptance."
This is a quote taken from the book Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. We often consider feedback in the context of telling someone how they can be better, what they shouldn't do again, and what they should learn more about. We neglect the equally important facet of feedback that is the "longing for acceptance."
How do we let people know that they are accepted, that they belong, that they are truly seen? We show gratitude and appreciation.
This is indeed a form of feedback. We just don't usually see it as so. We think appreciation is something we give in extraordinary circumstances only when things are going well, or something that we hand out sparingly to the special few who really deserve it. We're sometimes afraid of giving it generously.
As leaders, we can begin to see that feedback is a healthy balance between pushing someone to grow and helping them feel accepted. We can work to balance the scales in our short-term and long-term interactions with those we lead and work with.
In the book, the authors share three types of feedback we can give–appreciation, coaching, and evaluation–and what they are specifically for:
Appreciation - to see, acknowledge, thank, motivate
Coaching - to help receiver expand knowledge, sharpen skill
Evaluation - to rank or rate against a set of standards, to align expectations, to inform decision-making
They also reveal that, "When people complain that they don't get enough feedback at work, they often mean that they wonder whether anyone notices or cares how hard they're working. They don't want advice. They want appreciation."
When we give feedback, we don't pause to think which kind of feedback we are actually giving and if it is the type the person is actually looking for (or needs) in the moment. When we ask for feedback, we are equally unaware, and thus unspecific, about what we are hoping to get.
As the authors say, "Know what you want, and know what you're getting. The match matters."
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We are often un-strategic - but expect things to all work out miraculously!
How many of us actually see appreciation feedback as equally important as coaching and evaluation feedback? Do we have mechanisms in place for appreciation like we do for coaching and evaluation? If we were to analyze every piece of feedback we gave in the last month as a leader, would we find a balance among the three types of feedback?
For us to thrive, we need a balanced diet of all three types to ensure we learn and feel accepted. We can't get away with only giving appreciation but never helping others get better. We can't only help others get better but not tell them where they stand in meeting a standard. And we can't just compare people to benchmarks without acknowledging that they are trying.
We can actually be more strategic about giving appreciation feedback.
As a leader, we are equipped with forms, timelines, and expected outcomes for coaching and evaluation feedback. These are performance reviews that happen once a year, student evaluations each semester, required training to fill gaps in knowledge, or complex rating grids for competitions.
What if we operationalized appreciation feedback too? What would that look like?
Here are four ways to do it:
Individualize appreciation. We can all easily spot generic thank you cards that we get from our boss once a year during Christmas (I've gotten plenty of them. It's nice. And even though I really want to be overwhelmed by a feeling of appreciation, I rarely am...). Let's call people by their first name and show appreciation for something specific that only they did. Make it personal by telling them how it affected you and your work. Make it purposeful by telling them how it contributed to the organization's impact on its customers. Ensure it serves them and not the leader's own gratification. In other words, avoid what Ron Carucci calls "guilt gratitude" (referenced in this article about motivating teams), an overcompensating comment a leader might say because they feel guilty about a "sacrificial effort" they've asked you to do.
Give it to everyone. Let's not leave anyone out. Make a checklist of people and track if you've yet given them appreciation feedback this week (or month, or year). It sucks to be the one left out. People notice that more than we think they do. When I'm working on a multi-faceted production with several departments, I make it a point to show appreciation to every contributing member–such as the chorus member in an opera, the second violinist in an orchestra, or the tech crew who never makes it "onstage."
Do it on a schedule. Write in your calendar when you will do this task and for whom. Make it a habit and routine by setting a recurring schedule. Make it easy for yourself - set it as a task and let your calendar remind you. Treat it like a real task and be responsible and actually complete it–on time.
Match the feedback. Regularly ask people which kind of feedback they get a lot of and which they don't get enough of. Help them reflect on what they want and need from you as a leader. This will assist us in curating feedback that matches what they want and need - whether it is appreciation, coaching, or evaluation.
The bottom line is that when we show gratitude and appreciation, we allow the other person to be seen. Sometimes that is all they want and need to thrive and grow.
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