4 ways to exercise empathy in rehearsal
As conductors in rehearsals, it is so easy to be lost in ourselves - in our performance on the podium, our own interpretations of the music, our own needs and emotions, and even in our egos.
We forget that musicians are people too and not machines that simply execute what we tell them to do. People are complex beings who have needs, emotions, interpretations, thoughts, and ideas. So when we ignore this fact, we lose connection and impact as leaders. We also stop serving the people who have been placed in our care when they walk into the rehearsal room.
When we are dealing with people, all roads seem to lead to empathy. It's one of the most difficult skills to learn and hone.
I want to share 4 ways I am personally trying to exercise more empathy in rehearsals.
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1) LABEL
In Chris Voss's book Never Split the Difference, he writes about labeling as a technique used in negotiation to probe, verify information, and establish rapport. What you do is simply articulate what you think is happening.
A label begins with "It sounds like…", "It seems like…", or "It looks like…"
When giving a musical diagnosis, it's easy for conductors to simply say "You did X wrong" or "You are too loud." There is nothing wrong with those statements. At the same time, they don't allow us to exercise empathy. We are not really showing interest in why they played it wrong or why they are too loud. We are simply giving prescriptions that may not always have context (and can sometimes trigger defensive reactions).
Labeling can look like this in rehearsals:
It seems like you wanted to go faster here.
It looks like we are a little confused about the rhythmic grouping here.
This language helps identify the problem and offers a platform from which musicians can confirm, correct, or elaborate on our assessment of what's going on. Maybe they are really confused about the rhythmic grouping. Maybe they didn't actually want to go faster, but something caused them to feel rushed so they went faster. All that is good information to have to understand what the best solutions are.
Labeling helps people feel seen and understood, and it gives them the opportunity to be an integral part of the dialogue toward solutions.
2) ASK
Sometimes we just need to ask musicians what they need. A good question is "What does support from me look like?" For one person it could be "get out of the way" and for another it could be "please lead me more." The more we ask, the more we may realize how misguided our assumptions may be about what musicians truly need from us. Sometimes, what they really need may not even have anything to do with the actual playing–it may be psychological or physical.
Jon Acuff said, "Empathy is understanding what someone needs and acting on it." It's not enough to just ask, but we need to follow through and give them what they need.
It may be scary to ask, but we can exercise this muscle and create a habit.
3) REFLECT
We can always become more self-aware, and that is the product of regular reflection.
Sometimes we can unknowingly turn empathy off. We show up for ourselves instead of others - for whatever reason.
For many of us, we may not even realize that our ability to empathize can vary depending on the specific circumstances we're in. Maybe when we encounter people who disagree with us, we shut down our empathy. Perhaps we have unconscious bias toward a certain personality, and we make assumptions without first trying to understand. Or maybe our workplace brings out the worst in us, so we have a hard time with empathy in that specific environment.
We can mitigate our own tendencies to resist empathy by identifying these circumstances and taking steps to do better when we find ourselves in them.
4) PRACTICE
Martin Lindstrom said, "Perfection, or the perception of perfection, destroys empathy." Our industry is one with a strong focus on perfection and all that comes with it. So our traditional culture in the arts leaves little room for empathy. We end up pretending and putting up hard shells.
We may have never practiced empathy before. Or if we have, we are probably severely out of practice because we don't have abundant opportunities to do so.
One way to practice empathy is through practicing vulnerability.
Vulnerability is a way to counter perfection. It allows leaders to connect with their people and to allow for more empathetic conversations to happen. Simply sharing something vulnerable helps people feel seen and validated. When leaders create an environment where we can all be OK with vulnerability, we can find more opportunity to practice empathy within it.
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Label, ask, reflect, and practice.
Maybe one of these 4 ways to exercise empathy resonates with you? Begin with that one and start working on it!
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