Why we don't stop talking
Leadership sometimes means we have to explain to others an idea only we can see. We have to describe in vivid detail. We have to point out why it’s important and relevant. We have to inspire others to want it. And we often don’t have much time to do it.
As a conductor, this means a musical vision - a specific sound, a particular shape, or eliciting a visceral feeling. While we ideally show this all through conducting gestures, sometimes we have to verbalize it in rehearsals. And even off the podium, we need to advocate for ourselves and our musicians in various ways.
During some of those moments, we can find ourselves talking more than we need to. We can try too hard, and it can backfire. We lose their attention and our poise. Why does this happen to us?
The psychologist Mark Goulston says there are 3 phases of talking:
Stage 1: communicate information or a point of view
Stage 2: relieve tension in ourselves - by repeating or rephrasing the information
Stage 3: keep their attention - by continuing to talk, usually with irrelevant information
He adds: “In the first stage, you’re on task, relevant and concise. But then you unconsciously discover that the more you talk, the more you feel relief. […] This is the second stage – when it feels so good to talk, you don’t even notice the other person is not listening. The third stage occurs after you have lost track of what you were saying and begin to realize you might need to reel the other person back in.” (from here)
We only need the first phase, but we often proceed to phase two and three. It’s interesting to see that when we continue to talk we are relieving tension for ourselves. And when we notice we’ve perhaps lost their attention, we panic into needing to retain control and avoid abandonment.
This awareness can be revealing and empowering for leaders. If we don’t know why, we can’t address it.
To overcome this, Mark Goulston shares a trick from radio show host Marty Nemko called the “Traffic Light Rule.” The first 20 seconds of your talking is your green light. The next 20 seconds the light turns yellow. And the light turns red at 40 seconds.
While this is by no means a hard-and-fast rule, it can give us a mechanism to become more aware and pace our talking.
How could you use this in your work?
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