The paradox of integrity
I was talking to someone about how I've always struggled with self-doubt, overthinking, and confidence. Her response was, "Well, it's because you have integrity.”
I was surprised because integrity is the last word I would associate with how my struggle feels. How could I have integrity if there is so much uncertainty and turmoil within me?
This encouraged me to seek a connection between integrity and confidence. The big realization for me is that integrity often leads to humility, which can be misinterpreted as lack of confidence.
It makes sense: My integrity often causes me to hesitate in doing or saying things until I have a pretty good idea that it is just, accurate, necessary, meaningful, and helpful. I'm quite frequently in a state of unsureness, in a mode of questioning.
It makes me stay quiet. Or when I do speak up, I hedge. Hedging is saying things like “probably”, "likely”, "perhaps", or "might.” I recognize that I do this quite often to soften the certainty of what I'm saying, because I recognize that I may not be right. I cannot bear to lie or pretend to be certain.
My intention is to come across authentically and honestly. The problem is that while it feels genuine to me, it comes across as lacking confidence to others. This perception hurts me as a leader and lessens my desired impact on others.
The reality is that people want the perception of confidence. When someone speaks with conviction, they project authority and knowledge. Confident language makes arguments more persuasive. It builds an image of trustworthiness and credibility. People who speak with conviction make us feel safe. We're responding to the security of the message more than the validity of the message.
I realized that one could argue that the more integrity we have, the more uncertain we become. Yet, the world demands that we project certainty. And this is the paradox between integrity and confidence. This is our challenge - to start associating uncertainty with integrity, and to see that as confidence.
Seeing this paradox helps affirm that integrity does exist in me. It just sometimes doesn't feel good. It can feel like uncertainty, and it can manifest as lack of confidence. This feeling does not mean that I don't have integrity.
How might this allow you to reflect on your own experiences with integrity and confidence?
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