Different is not bad
I admit it. I'm different. I try to do things differently and challenge the status quo. It doesn't always turn out well for me. I feel like I don't fit in. People don't know how to interact with me sometimes. I'm not a safe option when it comes to hiring a conductor.
On the other hand, I've learned to discover and respect how I'm different and what value that has to offer to the world. I've noticed that when I show up authentically, it feels natural, purposeful, and I believe in what I do and say with all my being. It honestly makes me happy, too.
If it feels so good, why doesn't it often work out for me?
I've realized that the problem lies in that different often equals bad.
Here are two ways I think I'm different:
In working with musicians, I strive toward a collective interpretation. I used to think that I must show up to make people do things that catered to my own interpretation. I realize now that I can have a clear point of view, and it is helpful to keep it flexible and open to others' opinions and insights. And it's for the greater good to invite musicians into those conversations.
I'm also allowing myself to be a quiet introvert. I used to struggle to fill silence with words - on and off the podium. I thought I had to be the loudest, funniest, most charismatic voice. I'm not good with small talk nor am I naturally charismatic, so this was always very hard. I've learned that if I don't feel compelled to say anything, I don't need to. There is no point faking extroversion.
In honoring these aspects of myself, I've experienced dissent and resistance from people I work with. For example:
When musicians have never been asked for their opinions, they are highly uncomfortable when I ask them to have thoughts and share.
When musicians are trained to do whatever the conductor says no matter what, they can see flexibility of not needing to be the authority as incompetence.
When musicians are used to big personality leaders, they judge quiet leaders as weak and unassertive, or too nice.
***
I take comfort in the idea that dissent is a healthy sign that I'm growing into my authentic self.
Because I am different from what they're used to, the default interpretation is that it is bad (incompetent, weak, unassertive). This negative bias is because different makes us feel uncomfortable. It is our outward interpretation of how it makes us feel.
Different isn't necessarily bad. Different may not be good either. However, I'm fairly certain that different is always uncomfortable.
So I'm learning that there is power in my being different. Different holds great potential for disruption and change, which is what we all need regardless of how comfortable we may feel where we are.
Dissent is a signal that I'm going in the right direction and being different enough to elicit discomfort that will hopefully dislodge us from being stuck.
Life is hard for two reasons, you are leaving your comfort zone or you are staying in your comfort zone. If it's going to be hard either way, I'd rather choose leaving my comfort zone, because at least I know that I'm growing and moving forward.
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