Conformity doesn't work
Last week I had a short conversation with an executive coach. It was the first time we met.
I shared my thoughts about how I wanted to have an impact on the music industry, what our leadership problems were, and how musicians deserve more psychological safety.
He said two little words that made me feel so good: I agree.
This hit me hard because it has been a while since someone had resonated with me on these topics. And when I talk to folks in the arts about this, I am usually met with "I don't understand", "what do you mean we don't feel safe?", or "musicians don't want/need this."
Why was this "outsider" able to see what I saw so clearly? He just got it. More importantly, he believed me.
***
I became curious about why this validation felt so good, why it meant so much to me. This curiosity led me to realize that I often feel more resonance with people outside of music than those in music.
This makes me feel like I don't belong in the arts. I don't feel like I can be accepted for who I am or for the thoughts I have. At the same time, these are feelings I can't ignore. So I journaled to compare how those outside of the industry make me feel versus how those in the music industry make me feel.
Here's what I wrote down:
"People outside of the arts make me feel seen. They immediately see value in my vision for impact within minutes. They naturally trust I can be an usher of change, and they support me without needing to know whether I've had any accolades. Conversations are driven by curiosity and discovery. They validate my experiences and search for transcendental growth. They help me see the best parts of me more clearly. I can show up as I am without having to put on any masks. I feel uplifted and excited after engaging with them.
People in the music industry judge a book by its cover and they want all books to look the same. They immediately equate a lack of status and industry currency for low value (and vice versa). They find it hard to trust or support you until it is popular to trust or support you. Conversations are mostly transactional and driven by gossiping about other people. They shine a light on all my deficient parts. They make me feel like I'm doing it all wrong. That makes me try harder to pretend to be more right and acceptable. I feel depleted and depressed after engaging with them."
***
Articulating all this made me feel less bad about myself. And a thought appeared in this process:
There is an inherent obligation to conform in the music industry. We've all been told from day one to do what we're told. It becomes a habit and a false source of validation we chase. That's how I've measured my own worth. That's why it feels bad. That's why I don't feel like I belong. Because I can't be myself and I'm not celebrated for being myself or having my ideas.
Alas, I don't know how I can feel more belonging in my industry, but what I have learned is that conformity doesn't work - not for me, nor for any of us.
The biggest issue in the music industry is that we sell conformity as the solution for all our problems. In reality, the habit of conforming is the real problem we need to solve. We can break this habit - first by noticing it exists.
Curious? Sign up to receive an email with each new post!
Prefer to watch/listen instead?
Here's the blog in video format!
