Catch people caring
As musicians, we are so used to our teachers, conductors, bosses, and other authority figures telling us what we are doing wrong and how we need to do better. We are well practiced in holding up shields ready to receive the difficult negative feedback and at the same time, that same shield unknowingly casts doubt on the rare praise we do get.
As leaders, part of our job is to catch people doing things wrong so that we can correct them and improve our organization's work. And even though we know and have been taught that positive reinforcement is important and we need to use praise balanced with constructive feedback, it doesn't always have the effectiveness that we intend.
What we don't ever talk about is the tension that exists in praise, particularly in the hierarchical work setting. Whether we receive praise from a superior or a coworker or a subordinate, we wonder if we really deserve it or if there is some other motive for giving the praise. We try to read between the lines, and sometimes it may be read as some form of manipulation. Sometimes when we give praise, the receiver often feels the need to reciprocate or that they owe something to the giver.
This may all very well be in our heads, but the thoughts do cross our mind briefly. And instead of feeling a boost in self-confidence and a deeper commitment to our work, we can instead feel less safe and less trust in the workplace.
We become distracted by these stories. And the story we tell ourselves changes depending on who is giving the praise - and the power dynamic relationship between the giver and receiver. I find it interesting how all this can make us think twice about giving praise or be skeptical when we receive it.
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What if in addition to catching people doing things "right" in an effort to give praise, we also developed a habit to catch people caring? We can catch them caring enough to not be texting while having a conversation with us, to voice their opinion even when it may disagree with others, or to not settle for good enough in performance even when they feel completely defeated.
We all want to be seen, to be understood, and to be recognized for our hard work and efforts. And catching people caring simply acknowledges that humanity and culture, in a way that is not dependent on finite, one-time achievements. It allows us to be seen and to be appreciated often, without the burden and barrier of power dynamics. It comes from a place of generosity, making us feel safe. It increases our sense of trust in those we work with. Every time we catch people caring is a reminder to them that they exist, their work matters, and that they belong.
Daniel Coyle shares in The Culture Code that our brains need this reminding. For example, how many times do you need to say "I love you" to those you love? Not nearly enough times. We are obsessively on the lookout for danger and ways to protect ourselves.
Coyle says, "Belonging is a flame that needs to be constantly fed." As a leader, catching people caring everyday feeds that flame. It helps us maintain the sense of belonging by nurturing the narrative that we appreciate that they care.
Showing appreciation doesn't need to happen only when extraordinary things happen - people caring about ordinary things is actually what makes most things extraordinary.
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