A misdirected dilemma
Here's a dilemma I have as a leader:
I know that I can't possibly know everything and get things right all the time, and it's important for me to be a leader who is strong and decent by admitting that.
If I admit to not knowing something or not having done something before, I'm afraid that I'll be seen as not good enough for the job.
I struggle with this dichotomy constantly - on the job or in a job interview, when getting feedback from a superior or when engaging with my musicians I lead. Thinking about this made me realize that I spent so much of my career trying desperately to be right and all-knowing.
This aspiration made me work really hard. It gave me integrity. It helped me achieve. I gained so much knowledge in the process. At the same time, it also made me really scared - afraid to do the wrong thing, to be ridiculed, to be disliked, to be rejected, to not be chosen. And sometimes that meant not doing anything at all. I'd rather hide than risk showing weakness. I would hide not just what I didn't know, but I would hide things that I was unsure about. I would hide questions and doubts that could have benefitted from the perspectives and help of others.
It made me put up a face to preserve a perfect exterior - what a leader ought to look like. This exterior of leadership can be really appealing to some people. But not every human being is built the same. That exterior may be right for some and ineffective for others.
I realize that this dilemma is not about whether the vulnerable act of admitting "I cannot know everything" is going to be a deal-breaker for my success. The actual dilemma is whose response to that admission do I want to value more: 1) those who think it is a weakness and a sign of not being qualified, or 2) those who see it as a strength and a sign of trust and genuine connection?
We can remind ourselves that being truthful about shortcomings can also be attractive and likable. They can make us more effective as leaders. They can make people feel seen, at ease, and inspired. The caveat is that it's not going to have that effect on everyone.
Once I get over this "I can't please everyone" hump, I can choose to see not being right all the time as a superpower and an appealing quality - to the right people. The debate is not about my worth, but about who I let judge my worth when I show up authentically. When I give myself permission to show up that way, I feel more true and strong. I am no longer paralyzed by a misdirected dilemma.
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