I've heard that dating is like applying for a job. I feel like the reverse works too. Applying for jobs is like dating. 

There's almost a culturally accepted desperation when it comes to musicians and jobs. Too often, we find ourselves wanting to have the job (or any job) so badly that we focus on whether they like and want us. We do whatever we can to make ourselves worthy of being chosen. 

This tendency resembles how we behave in dating, where we often stumble because we don't pause to ask 3 important questions: 

1. Do you like them? 

2. Do they respect your values and what you stand for? 

3. Are they committed to helping you achieve your goals (not their goals for you, but your goals for you)?

These are three ways author and life coach Jay Shetty defines love. And we don't ask them enough.

I realized that not asking these questions has been the problem in my professional relationships. For many of my previous jobs (as prestigious as they may seem on the outside), I would have answered "no" to at least the second and third questions. Some struck out on even the first. 

That's crazy! So why did I stay in these relationships?

I just wanted a job. I just wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be "successful." It didn't matter that my values were misaligned with my colleagues. It didn't matter that my goals and dreams were dismissed and minimized by my superiors.

Not asking these 3 questions led to frustration and resentment in those jobs. Without the intention of this framework, I ended up gaslighting and blaming myself: Maybe my goals are wrong? Maybe my values are off? Maybe what I care about is stupid? Maybe what I want is unreasonable? 

How can I change to make them like me? Terrible idea! And I learned my lesson. 

I learned that it's hard to be fully happy, safe, and fulfilled in a relationship when you don't enjoy their company, when you don't feel like they respect your values, or when they don't care about your goals. 

It makes sense for personal relationships - why not professional ones as well?

If we all ask these questions in job searches, maybe we'd be able to spot the jobs that are truly right for us. 

If we ask these questions in our current jobs, maybe we'd discover ways to articulate what's not working and to address them to improve the quality of that relationship.

Think like you're dating using these three questions - and see what happens.

Curious? Sign up to receive an email with each new post!

Prefer to watch/listen instead?

Here's the blog in video format!