I've applied to conducting jobs for over a decade and received countless rejections. Sometimes it's a generic mass email. Other times, I'd be lucky if I received any news whatsoever. I remember one time I was a finalist and I waited for months for a phone call or an email before I gave up waiting and finally assumed that radio silence meant no. These messages (or lack thereof) always made me feel terrible.

Among hundreds of rejections, one really stood out - because it made me feel so good. 

The words that did it for me were "I'm glad to know more about you." It was a short email. There were no words of exuberant praise and no words of optimistic encouragement. It was simply I saw you and I'm glad to know you exist - at least that's how I heard the message. 

It made me feel deeply seen. I've never experienced that in a rejection before - and never since. 

I was naturally skeptical and intrigued, so I looked the person up online. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they cared about advocating for musicians in the orchestra like I did. It was important enough that it was in their bio.

And then it hit me: the reason why I felt like I was seen was because we cared about that exact same thing. It makes sense that they would say "I'm glad to know more about you" and for me to feel it was actually genuine. 

There is also a chance I'm making this story up in my head. In any case, regardless of what their intention actually was, I felt seen. It's the most powerful feeling in the world. It makes a difference to feel seen for what I like about myself, for what I value in myself, for my dedicated mission - even if the outcome is a negative one like getting a rejection.

It reminds me that our job as leaders is to help our people feel seen - by validating and acknowledging what they care about, what they value, and what they want to accomplish. 

The situation may be that you must disagree with, reject, or even punish your people. We can do that while ensuring they feel seen. They will carry that with them for the rest of their career - like I will with this one rejection that made me feel so good.

Curious? Sign up to receive an email with each new post!

Prefer to watch/listen instead?

Here's the blog in video format!