I've been thinking a lot about conflict lately. 

Throughout my career, I've not seen eye to eye with some people. Maybe we didn't agree with what was important or we don't share the same values. Perhaps we didn't agree with what the problem was or which approach would yield the best outcome.

If I didn't have to work with them, it's only slightly annoying. If I had to work with them, it could become really challenging.

I used to think it's simply they are wrong and I am right. I'd make it my mission to prove them wrong. In a naive way, I was convinced that if it made so much sense to me or even if it was an objective fact, I could talk sense into them. I felt an obligation to "fix" their thinking. 

This never worked.

So I'm learning to not default to that inclination, especially dealing with conflict as a leader.

I realize that while I may be frustrated by someone choosing to do something bad or wrong, the reality is that they do not think it's bad or wrong. That may be really hard for me to imagine and accept, but it does explain another person's actions and words in most instances of conflict.

This makes me think of something Simon Sinek said: "No one thinks they are on the side of wrong. Everyone thinks they’re on the side of right."

It makes sense that my attempts at correcting them then come across as an attack, and that's what they continue to respond to. It quickly becomes no longer a conversation of logic and sense, but a conversation of self-protection and defense. At that point, it doesn't matter who is actually right or wrong. 

Perhaps the more helpful response in conflict is to make space to hear their side of right. I heard (here) that most people feel understood only 5% of the time and nobody's going to listen until they feel heard. So the first thing we can do is to help them feel heard the other 95% of the time. This doesn't mean we must agree with or accept their truth. We just need to listen and witness their truth.

Alas, conflict is never easy nor comfortable, but we can try to begin with the awareness that they believe they're on the side of right. Helping them feel heard immediately disarms their impulse to defend, and this paves the path for more productive conversations.

Think of the last time you engaged in conflict. Could you imagine that the other person believing they were on the side of right? How would that impact how you see the conversation and how you might respond?

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