We often hear conductors say it was "love at first sight" with an orchestra, or there was "instant chemistry." What do they mean? I'd like to think that it means being seen, feeling like you are understood for who you are. 

I heard once that "falling in love means you recognize yourself through the eyes of someone else." Being recognized for your true self affirms your identity, desires, thoughts, and also flaws. In fact, we discover that we are accepted despite those flaws. So "falling in love" is powerful because it gives us permission to accept ourselves. That's why it feels so good and natural.

I can see how it can feel like love at first sight when an orchestra naturally recognizes and accepts a leader's true self. It makes sense as an alignment between what the orchestra sees and how the conductor wishes to be seen. 

The orchestra can also feel instant chemistry when they feel seen by the conductor. This can look like knowing what the orchestra needs musically, validating qualities they are really proud of, identifying their shortcomings and offering support instead of judgment.

When both parties help each other feel seen, it can lead to a fantastic, fulfilling partnership.

However, this happy ending assumes that we are actually presenting our true selves to each other. How often does that happen? I'm not sure.

The challenge is that we don't always feel safe allowing the real us to be seen by others. The harsh circumstances of life demand we hide who we really are in order to survive. And we get really good at it.

It is easy for the conductor and the orchestra to feel like they must do the right things to make the other like them or to keep up certain appearances. We end up being performative, against who we actually are and what we actually believe. We are afraid that if we allow our flaws to be revealed, we would be less wanted or simply rejected. When a job and reputation are at stake, all this is exacerbated. 

In short, it is difficult to allow ourselves to be seen. And if falling in love means being seen, this means we are denying ourselves the "love at first sight" moments. Or worse, an orchestra or conductor could fall in love with a fake version of us.

We know this matters in personal relationships, and I think it matters just as much in professional relationships, too. 

Leaders can strive to 1) allow their authentic selves to be seen and 2) see the orchestras they work with for who they are. We may find more real and fulfilling partnerships with this practice.

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